Wednesday - August 26th, 2009
Crazy guy's meanderings continued.
So, it's official. I am now a ward of a different department of the great State of California. Change . . . worry . . . Will I be ready to face it? What about when they tell me I'm ready to go out again? Will I be homeless? Broke? Stressed out? One of those people who wander the streets, zoned out, afraid, talking to myself, pushing a cart full of junk? [As his support system, we will work with his treatment team to create a viable living plan when he is eligible for release. The moment he transfers and completes the intake process, he will come into information that will reveal a panoramic view of his life, past, present, and future. With this, he can begin to understand the potential for enormous change and growth. He will take charge and outline an attack instead of wallowing in worry and fear.]
What does one's life out there develop into once they've found they cannot completely trust their own mind? The seat that commands the rest of the body has been known to shoot bogus information and cause the very problems I'm supposed to be avoiding.
It's too much. So I'm leaving it alone. If everything implodes, at least I'll save myself the added stress of trippin' on in beforehand. What the hell can I do about it anyway? All I want to do is live life, in the meantime. [Gary doesn't know how to pace himself; he's been an all or nothing kind of guy. Fully in or fully out. Not able to ride the fence. I'm eager for him to learn how to take himself in chunks, examining aspect by aspect, allowing for success in this area even while another area remains under construction. Much of his stress and duress can be alleviated with this technique. Compartmentalize.]
The people I meet get their ears blown back when they learn about my history and current status. They don't understand how I can be smart, helpful, comfort others, and have been in prison so long, and now . . . crazy. Hmmm . . . [With therapy and knowledge, I believe Gary will be able to look at himself as something less than crazy. It's such a generic term. Right now, he has only the diagnosis side of the mental health equation; the treatment side is yet an unknown quantity. He is unable to step outside of himself and view his mind from an external perspective. Presently, he is completely immersed in a lifetime build-up of brain decay.]
That must mean there are real people with gifts, hopes, and dreams in prison. In institutions. Wasting away . . . Hmmm . . . [Gary has close friends still behind the gray walls with their own stories and potential. Untapped. Institutionalized. Blind to what real life can and should be. Brainwashed into accepting mediocrity or worse.]
Everybody seems to like my haircut - cops, females, males. [He has a mohawk; conservative Brother John says it actually looks GOOD on Gary.] I can't think about cutting it now. Not until sis gets photos. [I definitely want photos! Don't you?]
I shall try and remember things better, in order to chronicle them. Tonight, for instance, a bunch of cops dressed up in black jumpsuits with all kinds of tasers and guns and shields (gadgets representing taxpayers' $), kicked in the back door, made us all lie down while they crept around like little toy soldiers to the bathroom, yelled "Clear!" and then left. [Shakedowns often occur with little warning in the hopes of discovering contraband. But, there are those incidents which are little more than disruptions and bullying. It is all too simple to look at this system and assume checks and balances are in working order. That they ensure inmates are guarded but not molested. It is a vulnerable position in which to find oneself as a ward of the state with other men in a position of authority of you. You are expected to trust their training and moral code upon first sight. Prison is not intended to be fun and easy but it is not intended as punishment or torture. Correction and rehabilitation are the supposed tag team. Supposed.]
We're already in jail, mind you. But hey, it's so much more fun and easy to mess around with us and make our time more difficult. In the eyes of the law, you're a guilty piece of $h!t from jump street. Trust me, I know. [Gary has mind-boggling recounts of incidents he and other inmates have witnessed and endured over the years. Some are humorous; others are far less so. I hope to coax those out of him for the blog readers.]
Cops have an 'us' & 'them' mentality. The reason a nice cop is so easy to remember is because they are so rare. I believe I'd hesitate to call one even if a crime were committed against me. [We are aware there must exist a distinction between inmates and protective staff. And, all guards are not criminals themselves. But, a great many in significant places are bigoted, cruel, judgmental, importing drugs and such from the outside. One man in power over a great many with none is not the system upon which we founded this country and its institutions. Prisons are microcosms of a greater ill in society at large. BUT I digress.]
Big brother is real, and he's watching . . .
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Gary's entries will become more cohesive with time and familiarity. He has requested that I tender suggestions, and I will. If any of you have queries or ideas for him on his experiences and thoughts, feel comfortable enough to let me know. I'll pass it on.
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